Peppermint Tea

should you be looking for the 'welcome' article or the introduction, i unwittingly (ignorantly, she means) used it to write about my experiences with tea, at the bottom of the page

Try

Recovery

Posted March 10, 2010

i would like to confront my emotions. breathe in, breathe out, stay calm. (music, music so beautiful, strumming from within my soul, saltwater room, owl city) i feel calm. i feel panicked, i keep on thinking about eva and the dressing room and how we're supposed to be dressing up and having fun and working together and how im here, in my room, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for the situation, messing it all up like i always do, i feel sorry, i feel sorry, and i wish i could take the situation in my hands and change its shape. 

i love the music. random. 

something about confronting my emotions, because it always works that way, but now it's all tumbling out in a frothy mess, emotions, emotions, words, words, sorriness, words, emotions

i feel like crying. because i cant find my topaz ring. dental care by owl city is a fun, good song. the music. // im scared of taking a bath, of getting ready and going to the shop. im scared of being fat. 

im scared that if i do that all, i'll realise how fat i've become and i'll start crying. i feel like crying now just thinking about it. i feel like crying for that sorry girl i see in the mirror of my mind. 

everything is alright. breathe. the music, the music! the music. dance along. (she dances) 

maybe i feel helpless and scared that this will go on. so. i can and shall put a stop to this. (do i feel better already? i feel better) i feel better. im putting a stop to this. (vanilla twilight now) the music like faerie magic, leaning down to kiss you on bare, creamy shoulders. 

im thin.  

Fly

Posted February 17, 2010

generally depressed and outer dreams of a fantasyland, captured in candy, fairtops and magic

I'd Like To

Posted February 13, 2010

maybe (baby) i should stop having an eating disorder. not just the bingeing spectrum, the not-eating/barely-eating side. maybe i should stop building myself and let myself be. 

Writing Personal Histories

Posted January 26, 2010

coincidences happen. thinking about you because of jam. but reading twenty-sixth january and not realising it was as recent as today... maybe just now, (or just then) i couldnt know. i could never know anything because i can misread, misinterpret and misunderstand, just as you couldnt know anything, but i always make it much too obvious, so that's cancelled. i feel awful. is just my mood and the events, time, circumstances. i feel dazed and in a haze, in a trance, not there about me. will be better, i know. 

I See You. 

(nun, und nur nun, dass alles vorbei ist) 

Luke's Chats With Wendy

Posted January 10, 2010

luke is fond (but recently) of posting his chats on facebook ("with the human race"), so, here's mine, a midnight fondling with le wenders: 

 

00:40 Ich: wenders :>
00:41 Wen: checking email. why still up and about?
00:42 Ich: i went jogging late at night
00:43 Wen: and therefore cannot sleep? that hardly makes sense man.
00:44 Ich: is not about me not being able to sleep, i dont want to sleep, therefore am up and about
  currently pondering on role, actuallz
00:45 *actually
  need to speak goth
 Wen: speak goth?
00:46 throw me an example of goth speak
 Ich: def. speak like a goth. in other words, stereotyping goths as speaking in a certain way.
  and i have to figure out how to speak this goth speak
00:47 im pretty sure theres no one way goths speak (because diana is a bit goth herself) but this play does have some caricatures in it
 Wen: is there no script? what madness is this?
00:48 I think its mostly how the goths say things, not what they say.
 Ich: oh wenders. you make me laugh. 'course there's a script. and that's what i mean: the how
00:50 Wen: so what happens to the goth girl in the play?
 Ich: there are plenty of goth girls, darl, which one? me or the one who kisses jam?
 Wen: you
 Ich: (also two others, but they are sidekicks)
00:51 well, im the leader of the goth group and i basically axe axel (har. pun) from the group and go away.
00:52 Wen: so you say something like, Go, Axel, begone! etc, etc.
  okay. but do you have a happy ending?
 Ich: yesso
00:53 Wen: more importantly, does someone die?
 Ich: well, its a happy ending, from the side-view
  no one dies...
  would be tragically cool if anyone did
  wouldev loved to play em
00:55 Wen: this jam bloke. when you typed him in, I thought:
  girlfriend= peanut butter.
  grin
 Ich: (how did wendy know di was laughing?)
00:56 (still is, actually. shucks)
  anyway
00:57 we can call him axel. (is his stage name, but i think of him as axel a lot, it suits him) cara calls him librarian boi, (or boy, i forget) i dont know why. miscommunication over the phone, i think
00:58 Wen: yikes. sorry. wrong button.
00:59 Ich: what about?
 Wen: momentarily ejected from conversation.
  thought you were typing something. hmm.
01:01 anyway, about this goth-saturated play: have fun at the rehearsals and all. bet you lot get cool costumes.
 Ich: defo. was tons excited 'bout that (the costumes) when i first received the script
  (i wonder if we get to keep them)
 Wen: where will the play be held, eventually?
01:02 Ich: drama box, i think
01:04 anyway, wenders, would love for us to meet up sometime soon. is a bitch, this travelling time thingum
 Wen: that I agree with
  fuckalongdistance.
01:07 Ich: also, i love sinnead o' connor. i dont know if you'll like her, but i love her, a lot, and want to share some of her magic with you. i feel like she's my personal artist. i've (finally, but then again, in relation to life, im only eighteen) found someone who i love with all my heart.
01:08 (pronounced shin-nayd)
 Wen: yeah. heard of her. isn't it one n, though?
01:09 Ich: yes.
01:10 anyway, how's life in the times o' wendy?
01:11 (or times in the life o' wendy, if you'd rather)
01:12 Wen: cruising. doing okay, really. nothing huge, but nothing evil.
01:13 cruising. doing okay. nothing publicly huge, but nothing evil either.
01:14 day by day syndrome. Good night and good luck diana.
01:15 one more thing: *
 Ich: im learning how to play the drums starting next week, am stoked. was thinking, you and i should come together to sing sometime.
  tell me when you please, then
 Wen: yesyes
01:16 always a yes for singing things
  would like to meet this eva lady too
 Ich: of course. free next monday?
 Wen: wish her band had a webbie or something.
01:17 monday up for job interview. don't know if I will go. if I don't i'll tell you tomorrow. sleeping on it.
 Ich: nay, not the coming one, the one right after
 Wen: where can we sing though?
 Ich: like, the eighteenth or summin like that
  mia casa, wenders
01:18 Wen: the change of language REALLY HELPS
 Ich: my house
 Wen: wow, I actually know that one!
 Ich: 'course.
01:19 Wen: anyway, logging off now. I hope I get to see SunLin someday. Especially since someone think I'm her daughter. don't know if I should be offended. hmmpf.
01:20 Ich: su lin.
  dont be, she's awesome
 Wen: typo man.
 Ich: you look better than her actual daughter
 Wen: she has one for real?
 Ich: in fact, you'd be surprised to see her daughter
  a son and a daughter and a second husband who is totally cool
  (his name is mario)
01:21 (yes, i know about the name)
 Wen: ooh. this is terribly exciting. suddenly there are new characters in this. the plot thickens.
  MARIO
  HARHARHAR. sorry
  its just very...
  nintendo.
 Ich: I KNOW
  (now di is laughing too hard)
01:22 that's just what i thought as well, when i first heard from eva. he sounds pretty sexy on the phone though
 Wen: short pixel-made figure with brown moustache. eeeee
 Ich: he plays jazz, i think. on the piano.
 Wen: okay. I'll take your word for it.
01:23 mario, the jazz piano man who has a sexy voice.
 Ich: that sounds like a mash-up of a billy joel song gone wrong
 Wen: nods
01:24 Ich: anyway, is a pity you cant work with me, wendy. is really not a bad thing, considering you're going to be in the city for at least nine hours. it puts the one and a half hour travelling time in perspective
01:26 Wen: I'd be up so early and be off so late, it maes me dizzy just thinking of it. that would be a tragic existence really. unless someone creates a wormhole, its just bigno.
Ich: well, you could come in a bit later and leave a bit earlier then, for example, come at eleven and leave at seven. that's still about eight hours and it wouldnt cause huge problems. (also, you dont have to work everyday) but if you're not comfortable with it, it's ok.Wen: hmm. i'm thinking of finding a tarot deck. this is all very interesting. any progress in the taroties?Ich: v. much so, i love them. was getting familiar with them two nights ago, shall do so again tomorrow.Wen: good on you:> ok, now i'm really popping off to sleep.
Ich: me too, i need to bathe and things. love you, turrah                          Wen: ditto. turrah.
(inaccuracies in timing towards the end) 

 

 

 

KOKO

Posted November 25, 2009

i like challenging people. in particular, their stares. for example, when someone is staring at me as they walk past, i dont pretend not to notice or look straight ahead, i challenge their stare by engaging in the eye-contact and staring back with a confident, "yes, i know you're looking at me. and so?" i think it shocks them somewhat, that im actually confronting the situation and acknowledging the stare. 

anyway, about adam lambert, i love him. i love how he is himself and doesnt bend to society's shallow ways. it's so easy to be a people-pleaser but so much more awesome to be someone who stands up for his beliefs, to be uniquely yourself and make no excuses. but besides that, he has a pretty good point, though not that i would have expected anything less, of course: female performers have been doing this for years- pushing the envelope about sexuality -and the minute a man does it, everybody freaks out. ...indeed, there was lady gaga before lambert and there wasnt so much of an uproar there. also, about the crotch thing, didnt michael jackson slip his hand under his pants doing dirty diana? (pun) im all for artistic freedom, yes i am. for a second, i almost wished adam lambert could chance upon these words and know there's someone out there with him, but then, i realised, he's confident enough to stand by himself regardless of support. keep on keeping on, whitby would say. 

Night Eden (Lush Magic)

Posted November 19, 2009

in the night, when things are so magically lit, in soft tones of amber, lending a glow to plants, through the garden of Eden, through the magic, invisible glitter in the night air, music falling in the background, black night sky. 

Tasting Freedom

Posted November 17, 2009

i love nat geo wild. i used to watch the national geographic channel loads when i was in primary three, but i stopped after a couple of years because the channel had changed and i didnt quite like it anymore... it shifted its emphasis from animals and the wild to something else, though i cant remember what.

sister and authority. funny thing, this. that i can be studying first in the den and sister strolls in nonchalantly, set for the remote, and i feel obliged to say, "you wanna watch tv here?" she nods sleepily. and im the one taking my A-levels. her A-level experience was quite the opposite. and if i think i had it good now that she finally wasnt studying anymore, i was wrong, because lawyers take their work home with them. to my brother, she said, "no watching tv here, i have work to do." sister and authority. compare and contrast. 

Chocolates Dripping With Vodka

Posted November 15, 2009

i wonder, if one ate enough of them, if one could get drunk on vodka chocolates. i love the burning sensation of vodka at the back of my throat. that is some strong magic.

lukeness

Posted November 14, 2009

i do want to write something. im terribly bored. well, im not. yes i am. i spent the entire day on facebook because i just did not want to study. so im not bored, no im not, since facebook kept me occupied. all the same, facebook could have been boring and so therefore i could be bored and terribly so at that. yes. ok, so i shall tell you explicitly of my day, which was spent in the pages of facebook. not that my day was non-real, no, it was just... spent soaked in the virtual realm, though honestly, i'd rather that not be. in my ideal world, we'd all live with real connections between us rather than the zips between handphones and other like cold faces of technology. e-books, for example, is something that makes me recoil in terror at the very thought. it scares me to think that books will one day be extinct, or that cds will be, for that matter, since the camp against them is intensifying. having said all that, though, i'd have to say that emails are not so bad. after all, they're my link to luke and kathy and i do quite like receiving emails, though it would be much more desirable to receive letters. luke once sent me a letter sealed with wax, just like they did in the olden days, which was pretty cool. it was a failed attempt, but still, i love that he thought of doing it. him being him, of course, he drew an arrow to the blobs of melted wax and said, "it was like buddha decided to throw up." (silly luke)  so the wax remained, but he put a piece of scotchtape down for good measure. 

anyway, so the only quite dayish thing that happened today was that i talked to luke on facebook. i wasnt actually in the mood to talk, but the two of us having quite inseparable mouths (i wish physically) when together, we ended up chatting, which, of course, was nice.  

so we started off by talking about the weather, which is actually a very german thing to do. according to luke, you just need the right clothes, which, coincidentally, is a german saying about cold weather. of course di didnt quite agree with the chill, but we did agree that we both loved fall. luke, however, went on to say, "when it comes to weather in the cold, you can layer, but in the summer or heat, there is only so much you can tastefully take off." 

"you could also just strip it all off and go skinny-dipping," i countered. 

"contrary to popular belief, im not that drunk all the time." never said he was! 

"who said you had to be drunk to jump into a lake?" 

"naked? very much so." 

"echt? wieso?"

i thought it was the most natural thing to do. (and i thought luke liked being naked. nay, but that's when he's drunk) in fact, i thought americans had no inhibitions of their bodies whatsoever and that they all went skinny-dipping in the summer. then i remembered that i was only comparing prude points between asians and americans, but compared to europeans, it was the americans who were the prudes. the europeans have topless beaches, which is a lovely thing, i say. im all for loving the body and not being ashamed of it, it's such a masterpiece, we ought in fact to glorify it. strange that we may admire animals for their coats and toned forms- naked - and yet not our own. (i wonder how life might have been different had adam and eve not eaten that fruit) there was this one time when i went to a topless beach in amsterdam and one woman i saw there had huge breasts, stretching from wherever-breasts-start-point right down to her waist. that was just a random observation i thought to share and no, it has no relation to the point above. anyway, the conversation ended soon thereafter because he needed to sleep (which he did probably after realising he was too tired to think up something intelligent to say in reply) and i needed to do whatever i had to do, which was to write. so. 

that was my lukeness for the day, yes. this was a terribly boring post, so if you made it this far and are reading these words, you either love me a lot (i doubt it) or you're as bored as i was today. on the other hand, you could have just conveniently ignored the middle paragraphs and come right down to the end. cheaterbug. 

turrah, folks. 

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Pfefferminztee

well, im supposed to write something here, they wont let me out of this, so i shall tell you of my first sips of tea. it was in germany, in the...summer. a very cold summer. andrea made me my first cup, vanilla tea, it was. she offered the peppermint- and i love peppermint, but i would have probably chosen the vanilla first, since it would have been truer to the original flavour of the tea. i found the sugar cubes fascinating, i loved dropping them in and watching them dissipate into the liquid, even if i didnt quite want the sugar. my clearest memory of peppermint tea, and tea in general, however, comes from lile's mom. (especially since andrea was more known for her latte macchiatos) wrapped up in a furry hot pink bathrobe that was twice the size of me and functioned to me as a blanket that could be worn, she'd make me piping hot peppermint tea from the gardens of france. it was wonderful and did wonders for the cold that plunged in my stomach.

i wasnt actually a tea-drinker, or one for coffee either, even if i adored the aroma of the latter, but things can be different sometimes when you're in a foreign country, and you're shivering cold. sabine (lile's mom) insisted i take back a huge box of that awesome peppermint tea, but i knew it would be a waste for i didnt drink any otherwise and wouldnt either, i knew, and indeed, i was right. so in the winter that followed, i took the box with me to boston and gave it to luke, the tea-lover. i dont know whether he liked it just as much as i did, he never did tell me, though i did write once asking him how it was, but i have been remembering that tea for a while, for now...now i do drink tea, (and coffee, for that matter) and i havent found a peppermint that matches quite as well.